I saw God today

I decided to try and post things that remind me that God is around us all the time. This was sort of inspired by LeAnn Womack's song "There is a God." With all that has happened in my familys' lives over the last few months and all that is to come, I think it's important to keep this in front of our minds.

So I will use that song as the first post for this "series." Excuse the first part of the youtube link because there is not an official video for it yet but I thought it important to have the lyrics so you can follow along...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5XkwJJW0lB4

Enjoy!

Ramon Jose Melo

AKA-Peanut, Ram On, Little Joe, Ray J, RJ and whatever other names we come up with for him...

He was born on March 19th, 2010 at 7:14PM. He was 20 and 1/2 inches long and 8lbs 3.5 oz. Here's his birthday story:

It's a long one...

We were scheduled to be at Paradise Valley Hospital at 9am on Friday, March 19. We got up and got the kids ready to go to the babysitter's house, dropped them off and we were on our way. While on the way, the hospital called to say they were really busy and asked if we could come at 10:30am. No choice really and we weren't in a big hurry so we said, "No problem!" Of course, we weren't about to head to the hospital without eating anything so we stopped at Village Inn for breakfast. Forgetting it was Friday, Juan had Chicken Fried Steak and eggs and I had French Toast. I didn't remember it was a Friday during Lent either but, hey, it happens. So we enjoyed our breakfast together, talked about a new baby coming home, talked about his mom not being there, got a little teary eyed, laughed and had a good time for a little while. We paid for our breakfast and went out driving around for a bit. We still had like 45 minutes. We stopped at Dunkin Donuts to get Juan some coffee and we sat outside for a bit while he drank it. I had Juan take one last picture of me with my prego belly for my mom and we headed to the hospital. I was a little on edge just because it was my last child, last pregnancy, and there's a lot of "stuff" that goes into having a baby.

We were waiting at the light at 40th St to turn left and it started to sprinkle. It wasn't supposed to rain that day but there was the possibility of sprinkles here and there. What are the chances that it sprinkles at that moment in that spot? I say it was Sylvia. I say she was there the whole time and as I get more into this story, you will understand what I mean.

We walked into the hospital and they put me in my room. It was LDR4 or Labor and Delivery Room #4. It was a tiny room, no way even close to big enough for my family to comfortably fit. The nurse assured us that if a bigger room opened up, we would be able to move into it. So, I was started on the medicine that induces contractions, playing Solitaire on my phone, had my parents, my father in law, my comadre, Kika, and of course my hubby and we waited....

I started to feel the contractions and was dialated to about a 4. The nurse came in and said that LDR7 was open and we were going to move into that room. This was AWESOME!! Why you ask? My son Juan Diego was born in this room at the same hospital. Sylvia. I was happy they were moving us to this room.

After we got into this room, I was getting a little more uncomfortable with my contractions but still not horrible. I mentioned it to the nurse to have the anesthesiologist come in to do my epidural when he gets a chance. I figured it would be 15 or 20 minutes for him to get there. She came back in and said that they had an emergency C-Section and he would be about 30 minutes or so if all goes well with that. I was perfectly ok with that. I could wait if it meant someone else's baby being ok. So, the contractions got a little worse but still not unbearable. He finally got there around 6:30pm got the epidural in and said that it should kick in within 20 minutes. I got really shaky and they had me lay down. My blood pressure shot through the roof and she couldn't get the baby's heartbeat at first. I got scared so that didn't help either. But she got it after what seemed like forever! So I waited for the contractions to get easier. I waited and waited...looked at the clock...it had been 10 minutes...it should have gotten a little lighter...I waited 5 more minutes. They were getting WORSE! AHH!! I had never felt a pain like that in my life!! The nurse called the anesthesiologist back in and he said the tube slipped out and that he would need to do it again. Just when they were getting ready to do it over, Juan walked in and I just shook my head "no" and he knew to walk back out. I felt bad that I couldn't tell him what happened...

So he puts the epidural back in. It was even more painful to get in there this time because I was having contractions every minute and a half or so and they were mean contractions. And I had to stay still!

Rewind to 8 years ago when I was having Brianna. Sylvia was there with me and I was going to try and have her with no epidural. I was a wuss and gave in to the medication. Sylvia tried and tried to tell me not to have it. My mom did the same. They were both telling me to just breathe them out and be as calm as possible. I couldn't do it so I had the epidural. I know Sylvia wasn't happy about it and my mom was worried about me having it.

Back to Ramon -- The epidural is in! It should take effect within a few minutes. I thank the doctor again and he's out. I think to myself, only a few more contractions and I won't feel it again. Then "a few" came and went and I could still feel them. Sylvia. She wanted me to feel it. The epidural didn't work.

They came and put a monitor on the baby's head instead of the one around my tummy because they couldn't keep the heartbeat on the monitor since I was moving so much. They checked me and I was already at 7 or 8 and progressing fast. They had called my doctor to come out around 6:40ish and he said he was 30 minutes away. I could still feel every bit of it. It was torture. I started to feel like I needed to push and the nurse said I could push a little to help make it feel better until the doctor got there. Another doctor came in and said, "If you need to push, go ahead, I can deliver your baby if the doctor doesn't make it." I was thinking, BULL$@#*!! I didn't come all this way and have my doctor care for me through all this to make him drive 30 minutes to get here to let some lady I didn't know deliver my baby. I WAS HOLDING IT, pain or not!! And I didn't care that she was his neighbor!

Between every contraction, I looked at the clock. It seemed like it took him an hour to get there. He finally got there and I asked him, "Where were you? Playing golf?" He just responded with, "What's golf?" LOL! Gotta love my doctor.

I saw him and I started pushing. I pushed REALLY hard about 4 or 5 times. I pushed hard enough that I broke blood vessels in the whole right side of my face, neck and chest. I had Juan at my head, my mom in her usual spot on the right leg and Kika at my left leg. At 7:14PM I heard my little boy's first cry. My mom got to cut the cord and she got to hold him first. I was happy about that.

Holy crap! It was painful. That's all I can say. But let me tell you, an hour after I had him, I FELT GREAT! (For having just had an 8lb 4oz baby) Not a lot of pain, no stitches, no having to stay in the bed until the epidural wears off.

So all in all, the 30 minutes of excruciating pain was worth what I got from it. My family is complete. All the people I needed there, were. I have a beautiful, healthy, big, baby boy.

Sylvia was there the whole time.

Another 48 hours...ish

I am almost 39 weeks pregnant right now. The doctor has scheduled me to be induced on Friday, March 19th. As I get closer to Friday, there is a lot of things going through my head. I thought I would share...

I have about 48 more hours to have this little precious baby in my tummy, kicking me, rolling around, causing me to have swollen feet, allowing me to eat lots of ice from Sonic and lots of ice cream. I absolutely LOVE being pregnant! I have not had any issues with any of my pregnancies and have had the greatest pregnancies ever! I know a lot of women that have problems and I feel for them. I wish they could enjoy their pregnancies as much as I have.

I wonder what it is...I think it's a boy, my mom thinks it's a girl. Stacey wants it to be a girl and so does Brianna. Tallynna wants it to be a boy--this week! She has been a little on the fence. My Juanito needs a little brother to play with. Either way I will be bringing home a Ramon Jose or an Adrienne Renee. (Or maybe both as my boss would say, he thinks there's more than one)

Strokes have caused 2 people that I really wanted to be there, to not be able to be there. Sylvia-my mother-in-law won't be there because she passed away almost 3 months ago. (I'm still working on the post for that one...) I know that all the cliches say that she will be there and I know that she will be but I won't see her; she won't be there holding my leg for me or running out of the room to tell everyone what the baby is. I think I have been putting this feeling off for quite some time making myself think that I will be ok without her there but I won't. Well, I will but I won't. If that makes sense. I miss her. My best friend, Stacey won't be there because her Aunt had a stroke and is on life support right now. I totally understand that she won't be there, I wouldn't expect her to choose me over her family. I just hope she travels safely and we will send her the first pictures.

I won't feel this feeling again. I will have 4 kids at this point and I don't want to have anymore and so we are going to have either Juan or I "tied up" so that we don't have anymore kids. I think 4 is enough and they will be a handful enough for the next 20 years or so...

I hope all my kids have a good relationship for their whole lives. It's all they will have.

I need a dresser for the new baby. I have been looking on Craigslist but I don't know how much I trust people on there so I think I will check some Goodwills and Savers. Maybe I will find something that will work. I suppose during my off time, I may be able to convince my parents to let me clean out my old room and get the furniture out of there. I dunno.

I'm sure there's more but this is what comes to mind right now.

Wish me luck!!

For Kooper

Here is a post from the wife of a friend of mine. You see, they lost their little boy, Kooper Leland Perry, at 38 weeks in the pregnancy due to an umbilical cord accident. Totally unexpected. I am 32 weeks pregnant now and could not imagine having to deal with such pain and loss and then to also know that she had to give birth naturally to him and know that when it was all over, he would not be coming home with her. This just shows me that God has a plan for each and every one of us and that women are the strongest beings on earth! Kami and Ryan have endured much more than I would want anyone to go through but they remain strong! I look up to them for their strength.

Here is her post. Please go to the site and vote.

"The TV show The Doctors are letting you vote for a topic to be discussed on the show. Stillbirth is such a taboo topic. Doctors don't talk about it much, (I bet if you asked they would) but most pregnant women don't think to even ask because it seems like something that used to happen. It still happens. I think it would be a great topic to put out there in the public and help make more pregnant women aware of the possibilities. All you do is go to the websitehttp://www.thedoctorstv.com/produce/idea_comment/3963 , you do have to create an account to vote, but please do! I knew that stillbirth was fairly common 1/100 and have met many women who have experienced a loss like mine, but it is when you click on the site you can see comments below and almost everyone of them say that it happened to them and most of them as I did, had no clue that it was that common or that it could happen to them. I hope they pick that topic because I would love to see what information they might say about that topic."

Please spread the word so that more families don't have to endure this pain in the future.

Thank you!

Daddys

Maybe that should be spelled Daddies...oh well...

I'll start by saying that if you don't know me, I am one that will listen to a song on the radio and try to interpret what that means at that point in my life. It has to be on the radio because if it was on a CD or an iPod then I could plan when that song played. I will give you a few recent examples:

We went to a Christmas party at Juan's cousin's house and on the radio I heard the song, "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood. I loved it! It explains how in this world we are just passing through and there are bigger and more beautiful things waiting for us when we are done here. I posted this song on my Facebook profile so others could hear it too. This was just a few days before my mother in law passed away surrounded by people she loved.

When we got the call that Sylvia was not doing well and in the hospital again, Juan took off to the hospital and I was just sitting there in my bed debating on whether I should wake up the kids and take them to a friends house so I could be with her and more importantly my husband or whether I should just stay home because it was all out of my hands. I said a little prayer and really just said, "God, if it's her time, take her peacefully but if it's not, don't let her suffer and bring her back to us." That was it. Then I heard the song, "If today was your last day" by Nickelback and it was at that moment that I knew she wasn't going to make it.

If you get the chance to look them up, listen to them. I feel like songs play at a certain time for certain people for a certain reason. You just have to pay attention. Intentionally.

Now on to the reason I am writing this blog. I heard a song on the radio today called, "Hurry Home" by Jason Michael Carroll. I am attaching the video to this song so you can see it but it kinda hit me today when I heard it. I remembered when I was younger and we were going to move to North Carolina and my sister ran away with her boyfriend. She didn't come with us. As much as I knew it hurt my parents that she would separate herself from the family, they didn't show it. There were other times that my brothers and sister did things and hurt them but they loved us no matter what we did. So the father-daughter relationship between my dad and my sister had always been strained and for the last few years it has been non-existent. She hasn't communicated with any of us in that few years.

I know that if my sister called my dad and said, "Dad, I need help." He would be there. There is no doubt or question in my mind that he would help her and probably even let her live with them again if she really needed it. It would be a tough decision to make and may take him a little while to do it, but he just isn't the type of person that would let someone in his family live on the streets. So the bottom line is that this song reminded me of my dad and how he might have been feeling when she left to live with her boyfriend or how he might still feel about her now.

I could be wrong. I don't think I am.

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/user/JasonMichaelCarroll?blend=2&ob=1&rclk=cth

Got My Feelings Hurt again...

I work for Cox Communications and this year we actually achieved the goals enough to give us a bonus. They sent them in the mail and of course they are raped of 41% in tax...so my $750 check was $442. I thought this would be perfect because I wanted to get a new phone and since I had recently given my husband my ipod nano that I don't use, maybe I could also get an ipod touch with it. It was money I didn't have anyway. I bought him a phone a while back because his blackberry was all jacked up. Anyways, I decided to cash my check at a check cashing place because it was Sunday and the bank isn't open that day and I wanted to go get my phone. While I was there the lady there told me that I owed them money from a bad check I had written. I think she has me mixed up with my sister in law but I got all upset that I was getting $50 less than what I went in there for... I had to come to grips that I wasn't getting the phone I wanted now...

Oh well, it's material and I have a phone that works. So when I got home, I started to tell Juan what happened and he would NOT listen to me and after I said 2 words his comment was, "Ya gotta let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go." He wouldn't listen nor would he stop interrupting me! It made me so mad.

I went in my room. I didn't even slam the door this time. I locked the door and went into my bathroom to sit on the floor and cry. My feelings were very hurt. Everytime he needs me to listen to him, I do. I didn't even want him to do anything with what I was saying. I just wanted him to listen.

I was in there for just a minute or 2 and here he comes slamming in through the door. He broke my bedroom door and came in the bathroom and asked me what was wrong. I knew I shouldn't have told him. I can't talk to him AT ALL these days. It's almost as if I am not allowed to share my feelings with him unless they are all positive. So after he asked me a few times, I shared with him that my feelings were hurt. I have been let down and disappointed all to much lately. He doesn't hold me, or even touch me for that matter. He said he was gonna take me to the movies and opted for a tattoo instead. I can't get the phone I wanted. He's selfish and if it's not about him, he doesn't care.

When we were leaving for Michelle's he decided that he didn't want to go. Yeah, that made me feel like shit. So I dropped him off back at home after I put gas in my car (yep, he doesn't even pump my gas for me when he's with me...) and then I cried all the way to her house. I felt like an idiot walking in there with my face all red and everyone saying, "Where's Juan?" Who gives a shit?!

When I got home he had put his phone and the ipod on my nightstand. DOESN'T HE GET IT??!! It's not the damn phone! I want to have a flippin conversation with someone other than people at work or my kids...I want him to do the things I ask. He doesn't have to ask me to do anything for him hardly. He doesn't have to ask for dinner or for groceries to be in the fridge or the house to be cleaned or the kids to be bathed and put to bed or the bills to be paid.

I have been asking him to attach Juanito's dresser to the wall for a LONG time and guess who had to go in and do it? I even bought him the damn drill bits that would go through the block wall!! My curtains needed to be rehung because Juanito broke them down. I have been listening to my smoke alarms beep for over a year now. And the list goes on...

All I want is for him to listen, want to spend time with me, consider me and be my husband and not just a paycheck. He hasn't done Fun Friday with us in at least 3 weeks because he has other things he wants to do instead.

My dad is sick. That has been on my mind for a few weeks now but I feel like I can't talk about it with him because his mom just passed...I don't want to add that on top of it. So I have only friends to talk to which is ok but I want to be able to have a conversation a little deeper than the standard, "How was your day?" talk. I wish his mom could come down and slap him in the head and ask him what the hell he's thinking!

Once again, it's all my fault. It's because I nag him I guess. I ask him once to do things anymore and if he doesn't do them, I do it. I wonder how many times he has taken out the trash this last week...NONE! I have taken it out.

Maybe I will go to counseling and find out what I am supposed to do. I can't change him but there are things I will not accept.

My blogs have been nothing but complaints lately and I'm sorry for that but I need to get it out and hope someone reads it and cares.

Are you gonna be gone long?

Lately, it seems like Juan has been spending more time away than at home. Tonight, he is going to Rocky's again but this time to get a tattoo with his mom's name on it. What can I say about that but "are you gonna be gone long?" He responded with "Probably cause you know how Rocky likes to drag his feet and make me stay longer..." Bull! You make your own choices.

As much as I love Sylvia, I don't want any names on him. I don't know if this is his way of remembering her or what it really is because we have always talked about how he would never get names on him in the form of tattoos...It's his body. What can I do? Nothing.

I can only remind him that he shouldn't drink and get a tattoo at the same time. At least he knows (I hope) that I care.