Got My Feelings Hurt again...

I work for Cox Communications and this year we actually achieved the goals enough to give us a bonus. They sent them in the mail and of course they are raped of 41% in tax...so my $750 check was $442. I thought this would be perfect because I wanted to get a new phone and since I had recently given my husband my ipod nano that I don't use, maybe I could also get an ipod touch with it. It was money I didn't have anyway. I bought him a phone a while back because his blackberry was all jacked up. Anyways, I decided to cash my check at a check cashing place because it was Sunday and the bank isn't open that day and I wanted to go get my phone. While I was there the lady there told me that I owed them money from a bad check I had written. I think she has me mixed up with my sister in law but I got all upset that I was getting $50 less than what I went in there for... I had to come to grips that I wasn't getting the phone I wanted now...

Oh well, it's material and I have a phone that works. So when I got home, I started to tell Juan what happened and he would NOT listen to me and after I said 2 words his comment was, "Ya gotta let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go." He wouldn't listen nor would he stop interrupting me! It made me so mad.

I went in my room. I didn't even slam the door this time. I locked the door and went into my bathroom to sit on the floor and cry. My feelings were very hurt. Everytime he needs me to listen to him, I do. I didn't even want him to do anything with what I was saying. I just wanted him to listen.

I was in there for just a minute or 2 and here he comes slamming in through the door. He broke my bedroom door and came in the bathroom and asked me what was wrong. I knew I shouldn't have told him. I can't talk to him AT ALL these days. It's almost as if I am not allowed to share my feelings with him unless they are all positive. So after he asked me a few times, I shared with him that my feelings were hurt. I have been let down and disappointed all to much lately. He doesn't hold me, or even touch me for that matter. He said he was gonna take me to the movies and opted for a tattoo instead. I can't get the phone I wanted. He's selfish and if it's not about him, he doesn't care.

When we were leaving for Michelle's he decided that he didn't want to go. Yeah, that made me feel like shit. So I dropped him off back at home after I put gas in my car (yep, he doesn't even pump my gas for me when he's with me...) and then I cried all the way to her house. I felt like an idiot walking in there with my face all red and everyone saying, "Where's Juan?" Who gives a shit?!

When I got home he had put his phone and the ipod on my nightstand. DOESN'T HE GET IT??!! It's not the damn phone! I want to have a flippin conversation with someone other than people at work or my kids...I want him to do the things I ask. He doesn't have to ask me to do anything for him hardly. He doesn't have to ask for dinner or for groceries to be in the fridge or the house to be cleaned or the kids to be bathed and put to bed or the bills to be paid.

I have been asking him to attach Juanito's dresser to the wall for a LONG time and guess who had to go in and do it? I even bought him the damn drill bits that would go through the block wall!! My curtains needed to be rehung because Juanito broke them down. I have been listening to my smoke alarms beep for over a year now. And the list goes on...

All I want is for him to listen, want to spend time with me, consider me and be my husband and not just a paycheck. He hasn't done Fun Friday with us in at least 3 weeks because he has other things he wants to do instead.

My dad is sick. That has been on my mind for a few weeks now but I feel like I can't talk about it with him because his mom just passed...I don't want to add that on top of it. So I have only friends to talk to which is ok but I want to be able to have a conversation a little deeper than the standard, "How was your day?" talk. I wish his mom could come down and slap him in the head and ask him what the hell he's thinking!

Once again, it's all my fault. It's because I nag him I guess. I ask him once to do things anymore and if he doesn't do them, I do it. I wonder how many times he has taken out the trash this last week...NONE! I have taken it out.

Maybe I will go to counseling and find out what I am supposed to do. I can't change him but there are things I will not accept.

My blogs have been nothing but complaints lately and I'm sorry for that but I need to get it out and hope someone reads it and cares.