For Kooper

Here is a post from the wife of a friend of mine. You see, they lost their little boy, Kooper Leland Perry, at 38 weeks in the pregnancy due to an umbilical cord accident. Totally unexpected. I am 32 weeks pregnant now and could not imagine having to deal with such pain and loss and then to also know that she had to give birth naturally to him and know that when it was all over, he would not be coming home with her. This just shows me that God has a plan for each and every one of us and that women are the strongest beings on earth! Kami and Ryan have endured much more than I would want anyone to go through but they remain strong! I look up to them for their strength.

Here is her post. Please go to the site and vote.

"The TV show The Doctors are letting you vote for a topic to be discussed on the show. Stillbirth is such a taboo topic. Doctors don't talk about it much, (I bet if you asked they would) but most pregnant women don't think to even ask because it seems like something that used to happen. It still happens. I think it would be a great topic to put out there in the public and help make more pregnant women aware of the possibilities. All you do is go to the websitehttp://www.thedoctorstv.com/produce/idea_comment/3963 , you do have to create an account to vote, but please do! I knew that stillbirth was fairly common 1/100 and have met many women who have experienced a loss like mine, but it is when you click on the site you can see comments below and almost everyone of them say that it happened to them and most of them as I did, had no clue that it was that common or that it could happen to them. I hope they pick that topic because I would love to see what information they might say about that topic."

Please spread the word so that more families don't have to endure this pain in the future.

Thank you!

Daddys

Maybe that should be spelled Daddies...oh well...

I'll start by saying that if you don't know me, I am one that will listen to a song on the radio and try to interpret what that means at that point in my life. It has to be on the radio because if it was on a CD or an iPod then I could plan when that song played. I will give you a few recent examples:

We went to a Christmas party at Juan's cousin's house and on the radio I heard the song, "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood. I loved it! It explains how in this world we are just passing through and there are bigger and more beautiful things waiting for us when we are done here. I posted this song on my Facebook profile so others could hear it too. This was just a few days before my mother in law passed away surrounded by people she loved.

When we got the call that Sylvia was not doing well and in the hospital again, Juan took off to the hospital and I was just sitting there in my bed debating on whether I should wake up the kids and take them to a friends house so I could be with her and more importantly my husband or whether I should just stay home because it was all out of my hands. I said a little prayer and really just said, "God, if it's her time, take her peacefully but if it's not, don't let her suffer and bring her back to us." That was it. Then I heard the song, "If today was your last day" by Nickelback and it was at that moment that I knew she wasn't going to make it.

If you get the chance to look them up, listen to them. I feel like songs play at a certain time for certain people for a certain reason. You just have to pay attention. Intentionally.

Now on to the reason I am writing this blog. I heard a song on the radio today called, "Hurry Home" by Jason Michael Carroll. I am attaching the video to this song so you can see it but it kinda hit me today when I heard it. I remembered when I was younger and we were going to move to North Carolina and my sister ran away with her boyfriend. She didn't come with us. As much as I knew it hurt my parents that she would separate herself from the family, they didn't show it. There were other times that my brothers and sister did things and hurt them but they loved us no matter what we did. So the father-daughter relationship between my dad and my sister had always been strained and for the last few years it has been non-existent. She hasn't communicated with any of us in that few years.

I know that if my sister called my dad and said, "Dad, I need help." He would be there. There is no doubt or question in my mind that he would help her and probably even let her live with them again if she really needed it. It would be a tough decision to make and may take him a little while to do it, but he just isn't the type of person that would let someone in his family live on the streets. So the bottom line is that this song reminded me of my dad and how he might have been feeling when she left to live with her boyfriend or how he might still feel about her now.

I could be wrong. I don't think I am.

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/user/JasonMichaelCarroll?blend=2&ob=1&rclk=cth

Got My Feelings Hurt again...

I work for Cox Communications and this year we actually achieved the goals enough to give us a bonus. They sent them in the mail and of course they are raped of 41% in tax...so my $750 check was $442. I thought this would be perfect because I wanted to get a new phone and since I had recently given my husband my ipod nano that I don't use, maybe I could also get an ipod touch with it. It was money I didn't have anyway. I bought him a phone a while back because his blackberry was all jacked up. Anyways, I decided to cash my check at a check cashing place because it was Sunday and the bank isn't open that day and I wanted to go get my phone. While I was there the lady there told me that I owed them money from a bad check I had written. I think she has me mixed up with my sister in law but I got all upset that I was getting $50 less than what I went in there for... I had to come to grips that I wasn't getting the phone I wanted now...

Oh well, it's material and I have a phone that works. So when I got home, I started to tell Juan what happened and he would NOT listen to me and after I said 2 words his comment was, "Ya gotta let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go." He wouldn't listen nor would he stop interrupting me! It made me so mad.

I went in my room. I didn't even slam the door this time. I locked the door and went into my bathroom to sit on the floor and cry. My feelings were very hurt. Everytime he needs me to listen to him, I do. I didn't even want him to do anything with what I was saying. I just wanted him to listen.

I was in there for just a minute or 2 and here he comes slamming in through the door. He broke my bedroom door and came in the bathroom and asked me what was wrong. I knew I shouldn't have told him. I can't talk to him AT ALL these days. It's almost as if I am not allowed to share my feelings with him unless they are all positive. So after he asked me a few times, I shared with him that my feelings were hurt. I have been let down and disappointed all to much lately. He doesn't hold me, or even touch me for that matter. He said he was gonna take me to the movies and opted for a tattoo instead. I can't get the phone I wanted. He's selfish and if it's not about him, he doesn't care.

When we were leaving for Michelle's he decided that he didn't want to go. Yeah, that made me feel like shit. So I dropped him off back at home after I put gas in my car (yep, he doesn't even pump my gas for me when he's with me...) and then I cried all the way to her house. I felt like an idiot walking in there with my face all red and everyone saying, "Where's Juan?" Who gives a shit?!

When I got home he had put his phone and the ipod on my nightstand. DOESN'T HE GET IT??!! It's not the damn phone! I want to have a flippin conversation with someone other than people at work or my kids...I want him to do the things I ask. He doesn't have to ask me to do anything for him hardly. He doesn't have to ask for dinner or for groceries to be in the fridge or the house to be cleaned or the kids to be bathed and put to bed or the bills to be paid.

I have been asking him to attach Juanito's dresser to the wall for a LONG time and guess who had to go in and do it? I even bought him the damn drill bits that would go through the block wall!! My curtains needed to be rehung because Juanito broke them down. I have been listening to my smoke alarms beep for over a year now. And the list goes on...

All I want is for him to listen, want to spend time with me, consider me and be my husband and not just a paycheck. He hasn't done Fun Friday with us in at least 3 weeks because he has other things he wants to do instead.

My dad is sick. That has been on my mind for a few weeks now but I feel like I can't talk about it with him because his mom just passed...I don't want to add that on top of it. So I have only friends to talk to which is ok but I want to be able to have a conversation a little deeper than the standard, "How was your day?" talk. I wish his mom could come down and slap him in the head and ask him what the hell he's thinking!

Once again, it's all my fault. It's because I nag him I guess. I ask him once to do things anymore and if he doesn't do them, I do it. I wonder how many times he has taken out the trash this last week...NONE! I have taken it out.

Maybe I will go to counseling and find out what I am supposed to do. I can't change him but there are things I will not accept.

My blogs have been nothing but complaints lately and I'm sorry for that but I need to get it out and hope someone reads it and cares.

Are you gonna be gone long?

Lately, it seems like Juan has been spending more time away than at home. Tonight, he is going to Rocky's again but this time to get a tattoo with his mom's name on it. What can I say about that but "are you gonna be gone long?" He responded with "Probably cause you know how Rocky likes to drag his feet and make me stay longer..." Bull! You make your own choices.

As much as I love Sylvia, I don't want any names on him. I don't know if this is his way of remembering her or what it really is because we have always talked about how he would never get names on him in the form of tattoos...It's his body. What can I do? Nothing.

I can only remind him that he shouldn't drink and get a tattoo at the same time. At least he knows (I hope) that I care.