I haven't blogged in a while. I have started a few but never finished because of all the crap that has been happening. Maybe that's the story of my life, I start things and don't finish. I say one thing and do something else.
In August, I asked my alcoholic husband to leave because he came home again at 4am drunk. This was the day before our son's 2nd birthday party. I have always been a trusting person and have always trusted that he isn't cheating on me. To this day, I still don't think he has cheated on me. I do know that he has had some conversations on text message with people he shouldn't be talking to and as soon as I found out about those and asked him to stop he did to my knowledge.
He moved back home a month later after many different conversations about what he's going to do to be better, how it's gonna always be the same cycle no matter what he says or does, and how our marriage is most important and the vows we took mean so much more now than when we said them. While he was gone, not only was he staying with the friend that he always went out drinking with but he began drinking just about every night. I saw him start falling into this bit of depression where he would just work and then go drink. He wouldn't call or come see the kids very often and that put me in a tough spot to try and explain why he wasn't coming around. It is also very hard to try and take care of 3 kids with one on the way, work, make dinner, check homework, etc. I never said anything negative about their dad. They were very happy when he came back home and so was I.
I let him come back for a few reasons: He is better off at home where alcohol is not within his reach everywhere, the kids need their dad, and most importantly this is not the way marriage is supposed to be. For better or worse doesn't mean the better or worse that I choose. It is whatever life hands to us. He was an alcoholic before I married him; he'll be one forever.
Things have been going well since he came back in late September. He's been fairly helpful, happy, not going out.
Fast forward to today...1/09/10...Yes I started this post a long time ago. My mother in law passed away a few weeks ago (something for another post I'm working on) and he hasn't been the same. Do I expect him to be the same? NO WAY! But he's not the only person alive right now and he sure is acting like he is. He's been sensitive, mean, unplugged from everyone, and drunk quite a bit. Anywho, yesterday when he got home from work, I was on the phone with my parents and he said hi and a few other things to me that I prolly didn't respond to and then he went in the room and went to bed. It was 6:30pm. It was the first night that we weren't praying the Rosary at his aunt's house. It was the first night in about 2 weeks that I had cooked dinner. I was hoping to at least make an attempt to get back to a little bit normal. It was Friday night. It was supposed to be family night and I just got a movie from one of my employees to watch. I was in a good mood. I went into the room when dinner was ready and asked if he wanted to eat and he said no. I was hurt. It hurt.
I know he doesn't like it when I am on the phone with my parents or anyone for that matter when he gets home from work. I needed to ask them a question and I would never act like that when it would come to him on the phone with his parents or ANYONE else. God knows he talks to everyone else and not me. Just check his text messages...I digress...
So the kids and I ate dinner and watched our movie. I still felt horrible. I am the type of person to always figure out how everything is my fault. I am responsible for everything. It's my fault he drinks. It's my fault the house is a mess. It's my fault... So I start to feel like what the fuck? It's my parents. They won't be around long and I need to talk to them as much as I can before I can't anymore.
I had to work this morning and he didn't. But who was in there asleep? HIM! And he acts like I don't work all day long and have to get up early and stay up late and haven't been right next to him during all this stuff that's been happening. AND I'M PREGNANT! He doesn't give a shit.
I went to work this morning and didn't hear from him at all but when I texted him to see if he was awake at 11am, he was out and about. I told him he wasn't very nice last night and he went on to blame it on me and then say that I always do right and he always does wrong. This is what he does to make me feel bad so I apologized for being on the phone. I shouldn't have. It's my parents.
So last weekend he asked me if he could go to Rocky's house to "kick it" (like he's a fucking 20 year old with no responsibilities) he knows I will never tell him no but he asks anyway. We went to dinner at Michelle and Jrs and then he took off to Rocky's. He'll be drinking. Something even his own dad told him not to do 5 minutes before he left the house. Something his mom hated that he did. Something he watched fuck up his uncle's life and yet he doesn't care. He's selfish.
He told me the other day that I am so much stronger that I used to be but I see it as being weaker. I don't stand up to him and for what I believe. I care for him and need him so much that I don't argue with him so that he doesn't decide to leave me. I have tried to do this without him and can't. I was fine all by myself before I met him, why can't that be now?
I posted a song on Facebook the other day that I heard on the radio. I posted it for him. Did he respond or even mention that he saw it or heard it? NOPE. I got responses from the family.
I had someone give me a frame yesterday and I put Sylvia's memorial card in it for him for now so he can have it next to his grandmother's picture until he can get one he wants. He thanked me for it but it didn't seem like he even cared that I had done something for him.
Maybe these things are all expected. Maybe he's right that it will never be enough. If he quit drinking, would I truly be happy or would I just find something else to bitch about? I dunno.
So right now, he's out at Rocky's and I am guessing he will be home in the morning or tomorrow afternoon when he sobers up...how would he feel if I did that? I feel disrespected and unappreciated. I wish he could be home and that we were enough for him. I don't bother him while he's out. I don't text or call or ANYTHING!! Maybe I should. Maybe I should be a bitch and nag him all the time.
I don't know. I just don't know.
I am not one to give up and so I won't.
I can't help him.
Will he ever see how much he means to me? Will he ever know how much this one thing alone hurts? I'm not counting on it. So I will continue to allow him to disrespect me and treat me like I am just his wife. I should prolly be in the kitchen cooking something or cleaning something.
This thing went all over the place but it made me feel a little better.
