For Kooper

Here is a post from the wife of a friend of mine. You see, they lost their little boy, Kooper Leland Perry, at 38 weeks in the pregnancy due to an umbilical cord accident. Totally unexpected. I am 32 weeks pregnant now and could not imagine having to deal with such pain and loss and then to also know that she had to give birth naturally to him and know that when it was all over, he would not be coming home with her. This just shows me that God has a plan for each and every one of us and that women are the strongest beings on earth! Kami and Ryan have endured much more than I would want anyone to go through but they remain strong! I look up to them for their strength.

Here is her post. Please go to the site and vote.

"The TV show The Doctors are letting you vote for a topic to be discussed on the show. Stillbirth is such a taboo topic. Doctors don't talk about it much, (I bet if you asked they would) but most pregnant women don't think to even ask because it seems like something that used to happen. It still happens. I think it would be a great topic to put out there in the public and help make more pregnant women aware of the possibilities. All you do is go to the websitehttp://www.thedoctorstv.com/produce/idea_comment/3963 , you do have to create an account to vote, but please do! I knew that stillbirth was fairly common 1/100 and have met many women who have experienced a loss like mine, but it is when you click on the site you can see comments below and almost everyone of them say that it happened to them and most of them as I did, had no clue that it was that common or that it could happen to them. I hope they pick that topic because I would love to see what information they might say about that topic."

Please spread the word so that more families don't have to endure this pain in the future.

Thank you!

Daddys

Maybe that should be spelled Daddies...oh well...

I'll start by saying that if you don't know me, I am one that will listen to a song on the radio and try to interpret what that means at that point in my life. It has to be on the radio because if it was on a CD or an iPod then I could plan when that song played. I will give you a few recent examples:

We went to a Christmas party at Juan's cousin's house and on the radio I heard the song, "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood. I loved it! It explains how in this world we are just passing through and there are bigger and more beautiful things waiting for us when we are done here. I posted this song on my Facebook profile so others could hear it too. This was just a few days before my mother in law passed away surrounded by people she loved.

When we got the call that Sylvia was not doing well and in the hospital again, Juan took off to the hospital and I was just sitting there in my bed debating on whether I should wake up the kids and take them to a friends house so I could be with her and more importantly my husband or whether I should just stay home because it was all out of my hands. I said a little prayer and really just said, "God, if it's her time, take her peacefully but if it's not, don't let her suffer and bring her back to us." That was it. Then I heard the song, "If today was your last day" by Nickelback and it was at that moment that I knew she wasn't going to make it.

If you get the chance to look them up, listen to them. I feel like songs play at a certain time for certain people for a certain reason. You just have to pay attention. Intentionally.

Now on to the reason I am writing this blog. I heard a song on the radio today called, "Hurry Home" by Jason Michael Carroll. I am attaching the video to this song so you can see it but it kinda hit me today when I heard it. I remembered when I was younger and we were going to move to North Carolina and my sister ran away with her boyfriend. She didn't come with us. As much as I knew it hurt my parents that she would separate herself from the family, they didn't show it. There were other times that my brothers and sister did things and hurt them but they loved us no matter what we did. So the father-daughter relationship between my dad and my sister had always been strained and for the last few years it has been non-existent. She hasn't communicated with any of us in that few years.

I know that if my sister called my dad and said, "Dad, I need help." He would be there. There is no doubt or question in my mind that he would help her and probably even let her live with them again if she really needed it. It would be a tough decision to make and may take him a little while to do it, but he just isn't the type of person that would let someone in his family live on the streets. So the bottom line is that this song reminded me of my dad and how he might have been feeling when she left to live with her boyfriend or how he might still feel about her now.

I could be wrong. I don't think I am.

Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/user/JasonMichaelCarroll?blend=2&ob=1&rclk=cth

Got My Feelings Hurt again...

I work for Cox Communications and this year we actually achieved the goals enough to give us a bonus. They sent them in the mail and of course they are raped of 41% in tax...so my $750 check was $442. I thought this would be perfect because I wanted to get a new phone and since I had recently given my husband my ipod nano that I don't use, maybe I could also get an ipod touch with it. It was money I didn't have anyway. I bought him a phone a while back because his blackberry was all jacked up. Anyways, I decided to cash my check at a check cashing place because it was Sunday and the bank isn't open that day and I wanted to go get my phone. While I was there the lady there told me that I owed them money from a bad check I had written. I think she has me mixed up with my sister in law but I got all upset that I was getting $50 less than what I went in there for... I had to come to grips that I wasn't getting the phone I wanted now...

Oh well, it's material and I have a phone that works. So when I got home, I started to tell Juan what happened and he would NOT listen to me and after I said 2 words his comment was, "Ya gotta let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go." He wouldn't listen nor would he stop interrupting me! It made me so mad.

I went in my room. I didn't even slam the door this time. I locked the door and went into my bathroom to sit on the floor and cry. My feelings were very hurt. Everytime he needs me to listen to him, I do. I didn't even want him to do anything with what I was saying. I just wanted him to listen.

I was in there for just a minute or 2 and here he comes slamming in through the door. He broke my bedroom door and came in the bathroom and asked me what was wrong. I knew I shouldn't have told him. I can't talk to him AT ALL these days. It's almost as if I am not allowed to share my feelings with him unless they are all positive. So after he asked me a few times, I shared with him that my feelings were hurt. I have been let down and disappointed all to much lately. He doesn't hold me, or even touch me for that matter. He said he was gonna take me to the movies and opted for a tattoo instead. I can't get the phone I wanted. He's selfish and if it's not about him, he doesn't care.

When we were leaving for Michelle's he decided that he didn't want to go. Yeah, that made me feel like shit. So I dropped him off back at home after I put gas in my car (yep, he doesn't even pump my gas for me when he's with me...) and then I cried all the way to her house. I felt like an idiot walking in there with my face all red and everyone saying, "Where's Juan?" Who gives a shit?!

When I got home he had put his phone and the ipod on my nightstand. DOESN'T HE GET IT??!! It's not the damn phone! I want to have a flippin conversation with someone other than people at work or my kids...I want him to do the things I ask. He doesn't have to ask me to do anything for him hardly. He doesn't have to ask for dinner or for groceries to be in the fridge or the house to be cleaned or the kids to be bathed and put to bed or the bills to be paid.

I have been asking him to attach Juanito's dresser to the wall for a LONG time and guess who had to go in and do it? I even bought him the damn drill bits that would go through the block wall!! My curtains needed to be rehung because Juanito broke them down. I have been listening to my smoke alarms beep for over a year now. And the list goes on...

All I want is for him to listen, want to spend time with me, consider me and be my husband and not just a paycheck. He hasn't done Fun Friday with us in at least 3 weeks because he has other things he wants to do instead.

My dad is sick. That has been on my mind for a few weeks now but I feel like I can't talk about it with him because his mom just passed...I don't want to add that on top of it. So I have only friends to talk to which is ok but I want to be able to have a conversation a little deeper than the standard, "How was your day?" talk. I wish his mom could come down and slap him in the head and ask him what the hell he's thinking!

Once again, it's all my fault. It's because I nag him I guess. I ask him once to do things anymore and if he doesn't do them, I do it. I wonder how many times he has taken out the trash this last week...NONE! I have taken it out.

Maybe I will go to counseling and find out what I am supposed to do. I can't change him but there are things I will not accept.

My blogs have been nothing but complaints lately and I'm sorry for that but I need to get it out and hope someone reads it and cares.

Are you gonna be gone long?

Lately, it seems like Juan has been spending more time away than at home. Tonight, he is going to Rocky's again but this time to get a tattoo with his mom's name on it. What can I say about that but "are you gonna be gone long?" He responded with "Probably cause you know how Rocky likes to drag his feet and make me stay longer..." Bull! You make your own choices.

As much as I love Sylvia, I don't want any names on him. I don't know if this is his way of remembering her or what it really is because we have always talked about how he would never get names on him in the form of tattoos...It's his body. What can I do? Nothing.

I can only remind him that he shouldn't drink and get a tattoo at the same time. At least he knows (I hope) that I care.

Let's Go To Breakfast

I've had this blog prepared for a while now (by prepared, I mean saved with the title only and adding to it as I had time) but I couldn't decide if I really wanted to do this or not. I didn't know where to start or even what I would say. So I will start at the beginning...it's gonna be long! Get ready! Sorry, I don't have any pictures in this one...

I met Juan in 1998 but we didn't actually go on a "date" until like March of 99. He told me to call him when I got off work, it was after midnight. I know that when I lived with my parents, I wasn't allowed to even be on the phone past 9pm, let alone get a call after that so I was a little worried. He told me not to worry about it but already talking with him about how much he got in trouble with his mom, I was freakin scared! But I REALLY liked him and so I called. Here's how the conversation went:

Sylvia: Hello

Me: Is Juan there?

Sylvia: Um, who's this?

Me: Jennifer

Sylvia: Sure. Lemme get him...JUAAAAAAAAAN!!

Ok, that wasn't so bad. It was like 12:30 and he was gonna come to my house and watch a movie with me. So he told me to come and pick him up. Did I really think I was gonna get away with just driving up and not going in? Yeah I did but I didn't get away with it...I had to go in a MEET HIS PARENTS!!! AHHHH! Um, ok, I can do this. So he brings me in the house and are they in the living room or kitchen watching TV? NO WAY!! They are in bed for cryin out loud! All I could think of is "Are you really taking me into their room?!" I can't do that. I can't even go into my parent's room when they aren't sleeping...I was so nervous that I don't even remember how that one went. I just remember them in bed all covered up and watching tv. Sylvia talked to me more than Joe did.

A few months down the road, Juan and I were pretty close and I would go over to his house after work. I had met his sisters (they loved me!) and a few of his family members and some friends. On these trips to his house after work I would end up "falling asleep" and not leaving until the morning. Juan's dad told him that he couldn't have me staying the night because he was making a bad impression on his sisters. One morning after I had been told not to stay there, Juan and I woke up to a pound on the door. "JUAN!!!" Bang, bang, bang! "JUAN!! Open this door!" It was locked, of course, and I won't tell you whether we had clothes on or not...

Anyway, this tiny lady comes in and says, "I need to talk to you two. Sit down on the bed."

Uh oh, I'm in trouble now, I thought.

So she starts with the question, "What are you guys gonna do if you get pregnant?"

Juan and I both looked at each other with this 'did she just ask that' look.

"Huh?" I said.

After she repeated herself, I answered, "Well then we will have a baby."

Then she starts talking about how if we did, she would be the youngest grandma at Cellular 1.

"Ok, let's go to breakfast." She told us.

If that wasn't the weirdest conversation I EVER had with Sylvia, I don't know what was. We went to Kiss the Cook for breakfast. It was pretty good. I had never been there before.

Then it was time for Michelle's quince. I was the BIGGEST tom-boy there was and Sylvia was gonna make me wear a dress and get my nails done..."get my nails done?" What the hell does that mean? So over the course of a few weeks, she took me to this lady's house where she measured me and hand made a dress for me to wear. It was gold with a black lace top. I couldn't believe I had to wear a dress...

I can't remember if it was the day before or a few days before but I went to this place to "get my nails done." It was on 67th Ave and Thomas. I was getting ready to spend my last $20 on my nails. I wondered, what was I gonna do for groceries or gas for the next week? Oh well, I really wanted to make this woman like me. (Not knowing that she already did) And my parents would probably help me. So I walk up to the curb and I find a roll of money on the ground in the gutter. Holy crap! Are you kidding me?! I put it in my pocket and went about my business. You see, right next to this nail place is a bar notorious for it's drug deals... It was $470 rolled up. I guess I didn't have to worry about groceries or gas huh! AND I had my nails done all purty. Now I had to figure out how I was going to machine rotors or take car parts apart for customers at work with these things on...I was on my own with that one. Let's just say they didn't last too long.

Then the quince came. Juan told me his family would be there. I had NO idea what "family" meant until I met his family. This hall was packed floor to ceiling, wall to wall with mexicans. Ok I'm exaggerating but you get the point. I was prolly the only white girl there. Let me tell you, Sylvia knew how uncomfortable I was and not because I said anything about it. It was because she just knew. She asked me to help her in the kitchen and so I did for a little while. It made me feel better. She always made me feel welcome even if I ever wasn't. Over the next few years, I would grow to love all those people as my family too! They are sometimes even closer to me than my own family.

So as the next few years came and went, there were lots of troubles between Juan and I. Everytime, I would talk with Sylvia and she NEVER once told me it was all my fault or took Juan's side. That would be traditionally expected because that is her son and I am just an import. But, NOPE, Sylvia always listened to me, always made sure she understood both sides and then would say every time...without fail..."It's both of you. You want it to work, you both have to change." Every time.

And it helped that even when Juan and I were split up for some reason, his sisters would always invite me over anyway. Juan told me once just after I had met the family that once I was in, there was no getting out. I witnessed this first hand with Elsa and Mario. When they called it quits, we ended up going to Elsa's wedding to some other man. Proof positive.

Juan and I had children in the midst of all this stuff. One biologically and one adopted. Tallynna came into our lives on November 5, 2001. She was 13 months old. Joe and Sylvia LOVED her from first sight. And they accepted her like she was their granddaughter too! Over the years, I have seen this be the case for them with a few kids that aren't "blood." I think it's awesome and it takes a good person to do this. I remember a conversation I had with Sylvia around the time that CPS and the courts were deciding whether it was in Tallynna's best interest to live with me and Juan or send her to someone else's home. They asked me what other family she had and who else might me interested in taking care of her. I had talked with Sylvia about this before the appointment and she said to me, "Joe and I love her and if there is no other way to keep her in the family, we will take her." All I could think was WOW.

When Brianna was born, where was Sylvia? She was right there with my mom, holding my leg up so I could push that big ol' baby out. She was a little short for the height of the bed but let me tell you, I wouldn't want anyone else holding my legs up than my mom and my "mother" as I called her. Brianna was a big baby and Sylvia and Juan both said when she was born, "It's a girl! That's a girl?" She was just that big.

Every year, I wouldn't have to worry about buying them an Easter outfit or a Christmas dress cause she would make sure she got them for all the kids as the kid population grew.

Juanito was born and once again, there is Sylvia holding my leg up with my mom on the other side. When it was said, "It's a boy!" I think I am glad I still had the epidural cause she dropped my leg and ran out of the room to tell everyone. Actually, she yelled it at everyone! Now, just think, could she have had that reaction if we knew what we were having? Now you know why we don't find out...

Sylvia came to work at Cox not too long after Juanito was born. Everyone loved her. Are you surprised? HAHA!

About a year after she started working at Cox, we were both there and I got a call from Scott (the manager for her department at the time).

Scott: Hey Jen, you need to get to my office right away. Sylvia passed out and we called the paramedics.

Me: Ok, I'm on my way.

I got there just as the paramedics were getting there and they took her blood pressure, it was 201/190something. YIKES! That was all I could think of. "My gosh that could cause a stroke." She told me the room was spinning, she couldn't even tell them her information. Luckily I was there. We sat there for a little while and they checked her blood pressure again and it was still very high. So they took her out in the ambulance to John C Lincoln. I called Joe and Juan to tell them what was going on and that I would be there with her. I remember hearing that she had told her boss not to let them take off her pants because she hadn't shaved...LOL! After all the paramedics that worked that shift close to work were hotties! The later shift, we found out later on in this whole ordeal, were older and not so cute...

So this happened a few more times over the following months. She was diagnosed with Vertigo and was given medication for it that didn't work. So finally, I told her she needed to see a neurologist. I found one for her and went with her to the 1st appointment. He said she had Migraines. He explained why her blood pressure would raise up so high and all that. We trusted that. So he gave her some medication for that and it seemed to work for about a few days. Then back to the hospital we went. The doctor said it may take a while for the medication to kick in so she would still have the issue until it finally settled. It seemed pointless for her to even go to the ER because anytime she would say she has been diagnosed with Migraines, that was it. They didn't check for anything else. I repeatedly told her that I didn't think it was Migraines and that it was something in her head. Like a clot or aneurism or something like that. She agreed but how could she find it? She had 4 or 5 MRIs already and they found nothing.

On Saturdays that she was able to be at work, she would take me to lunch. She always told me that she felt bad because she does all these things for Michelle and Nichole and not a lot for me. It was as though I was her daughter too. It was nice to know that she felt that way about me. We would have the best talks on those Saturdays. It was just us. She had convinced me to even take Juan back after his last round of trouble and not because she wanted me to just take him back but because it was in his best interest and of course, she was right. He was headed down the wrong path because he was getting depressed. Plus I married him with the full intention to live up to the vows I took. I loved him then just as I do now.

Sylvia was always there for me and I was always there for her. I'm glad I got to know her as well as I did and I am happy that she raised Juan to be the great man he is. I miss her. I think about her every day and I just hope that I can have the impact on other peoples' lives that she did. I also pray that I can leave my life with all ends tied up the way she did too.

It's Mother's Day 2010 now and this blog has sat here LONG enough. It turned out to be some of my favorite memories of Sylvia...I have A LOT! What better day to post about my mother-in-law? I love you Sylvia!

Bitching

I'm in a really bad mood this morning so if you aren't interested in me complaining (something I don't do often), close out of this post...

I haven't blogged in a while. I have started a few but never finished because of all the crap that has been happening. Maybe that's the story of my life, I start things and don't finish. I say one thing and do something else.

In August, I asked my alcoholic husband to leave because he came home again at 4am drunk. This was the day before our son's 2nd birthday party. I have always been a trusting person and have always trusted that he isn't cheating on me. To this day, I still don't think he has cheated on me. I do know that he has had some conversations on text message with people he shouldn't be talking to and as soon as I found out about those and asked him to stop he did to my knowledge.

He moved back home a month later after many different conversations about what he's going to do to be better, how it's gonna always be the same cycle no matter what he says or does, and how our marriage is most important and the vows we took mean so much more now than when we said them. While he was gone, not only was he staying with the friend that he always went out drinking with but he began drinking just about every night. I saw him start falling into this bit of depression where he would just work and then go drink. He wouldn't call or come see the kids very often and that put me in a tough spot to try and explain why he wasn't coming around. It is also very hard to try and take care of 3 kids with one on the way, work, make dinner, check homework, etc. I never said anything negative about their dad. They were very happy when he came back home and so was I.

I let him come back for a few reasons: He is better off at home where alcohol is not within his reach everywhere, the kids need their dad, and most importantly this is not the way marriage is supposed to be. For better or worse doesn't mean the better or worse that I choose. It is whatever life hands to us. He was an alcoholic before I married him; he'll be one forever.

Things have been going well since he came back in late September. He's been fairly helpful, happy, not going out.

Fast forward to today...1/09/10...Yes I started this post a long time ago. My mother in law passed away a few weeks ago (something for another post I'm working on) and he hasn't been the same. Do I expect him to be the same? NO WAY! But he's not the only person alive right now and he sure is acting like he is. He's been sensitive, mean, unplugged from everyone, and drunk quite a bit. Anywho, yesterday when he got home from work, I was on the phone with my parents and he said hi and a few other things to me that I prolly didn't respond to and then he went in the room and went to bed. It was 6:30pm. It was the first night that we weren't praying the Rosary at his aunt's house. It was the first night in about 2 weeks that I had cooked dinner. I was hoping to at least make an attempt to get back to a little bit normal. It was Friday night. It was supposed to be family night and I just got a movie from one of my employees to watch. I was in a good mood. I went into the room when dinner was ready and asked if he wanted to eat and he said no. I was hurt. It hurt.

I know he doesn't like it when I am on the phone with my parents or anyone for that matter when he gets home from work. I needed to ask them a question and I would never act like that when it would come to him on the phone with his parents or ANYONE else. God knows he talks to everyone else and not me. Just check his text messages...I digress...

So the kids and I ate dinner and watched our movie. I still felt horrible. I am the type of person to always figure out how everything is my fault. I am responsible for everything. It's my fault he drinks. It's my fault the house is a mess. It's my fault... So I start to feel like what the fuck? It's my parents. They won't be around long and I need to talk to them as much as I can before I can't anymore.

I had to work this morning and he didn't. But who was in there asleep? HIM! And he acts like I don't work all day long and have to get up early and stay up late and haven't been right next to him during all this stuff that's been happening. AND I'M PREGNANT! He doesn't give a shit.

I went to work this morning and didn't hear from him at all but when I texted him to see if he was awake at 11am, he was out and about. I told him he wasn't very nice last night and he went on to blame it on me and then say that I always do right and he always does wrong. This is what he does to make me feel bad so I apologized for being on the phone. I shouldn't have. It's my parents.

So last weekend he asked me if he could go to Rocky's house to "kick it" (like he's a fucking 20 year old with no responsibilities) he knows I will never tell him no but he asks anyway. We went to dinner at Michelle and Jrs and then he took off to Rocky's. He'll be drinking. Something even his own dad told him not to do 5 minutes before he left the house. Something his mom hated that he did. Something he watched fuck up his uncle's life and yet he doesn't care. He's selfish.

He told me the other day that I am so much stronger that I used to be but I see it as being weaker. I don't stand up to him and for what I believe. I care for him and need him so much that I don't argue with him so that he doesn't decide to leave me. I have tried to do this without him and can't. I was fine all by myself before I met him, why can't that be now?

I posted a song on Facebook the other day that I heard on the radio. I posted it for him. Did he respond or even mention that he saw it or heard it? NOPE. I got responses from the family.

I had someone give me a frame yesterday and I put Sylvia's memorial card in it for him for now so he can have it next to his grandmother's picture until he can get one he wants. He thanked me for it but it didn't seem like he even cared that I had done something for him.

Maybe these things are all expected. Maybe he's right that it will never be enough. If he quit drinking, would I truly be happy or would I just find something else to bitch about? I dunno.

So right now, he's out at Rocky's and I am guessing he will be home in the morning or tomorrow afternoon when he sobers up...how would he feel if I did that? I feel disrespected and unappreciated. I wish he could be home and that we were enough for him. I don't bother him while he's out. I don't text or call or ANYTHING!! Maybe I should. Maybe I should be a bitch and nag him all the time.

I don't know. I just don't know.

I am not one to give up and so I won't.

I can't help him.

Will he ever see how much he means to me? Will he ever know how much this one thing alone hurts? I'm not counting on it. So I will continue to allow him to disrespect me and treat me like I am just his wife. I should prolly be in the kitchen cooking something or cleaning something.

This thing went all over the place but it made me feel a little better.

Trying...

I am trying to post a blog about the park trip we took last week but the 2 minute video I want to add to it is taking forever!! I even left the computer on over night with the page open and it wasn't loaded....

Any suggestions?